Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that