He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*