I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
finally
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
WHO DID THIS?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.