When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me