4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
that colleague who touches your screen
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet