The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
wow he looks just like him
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there