If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m about to risk it all
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
me adding lol on a serious message
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!