Realize this:
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Every work meeting this week
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?