BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Yup….perfect score!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
This is enough internet for the day.