My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.