Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
You Might Also Like
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.