Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Every BBC series about the universe.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER