ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!