I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.