If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You Might Also Like
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.