I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]