[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.