The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
he looks great for his age
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu