My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed