What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
You Might Also Like
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
necessity is the mother of invention
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.