been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me too 😆
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: