Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
New menu item
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
58.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.