Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Thursday
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Ion see the issue
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk