“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀