I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough