It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
the #horror is real!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.