(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”