Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
mechanics be like
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”