I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Well, that should do it
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.