POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I don’t get marriage
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.