I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.