JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
You Might Also Like
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Bloody internet 😳
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”