boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…