An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?