Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.