Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
he looks great for his age
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.