have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I want this so bad
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.