Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts