Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“You’d better run, egg!”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
yeet
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.