My five year plan is a meteorite
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.