Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?