Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
🙁
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?