spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?