Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
You Might Also Like
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths