I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.