Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
🏙👨🏼
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough