No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
How software testing works
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.