Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*offers Batman cough drops*
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Spider-cat: No One Home
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?