I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods