*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
first you must answer his riddles
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap